nearly 3 months

So my kid is nearly 3 months and wearing size 9 months...Is that normal? Haha... He is a beast! I think he takes after you Grandpa John! He is going to be one big kid! We have his three month check up next week but I am already betting he weighs a little over 15 pounds, double what he weighed when he was born. Other news is, little Juan has developed a fake cry these days and implements it whenever he is not in my arms...it is really funny because I merely look at him and say, "Now that is a fake cry and you know it." And he immediately turns to his dimpled cheek "I am trying not to smile" smile. P.S. He is still not sleeping through the night, nor does he take significant naps. Does that mean he is hyper active?? hehe

My memories or yours?

The memory is a strange strange tool. There are times that I question myself whether the memories I have are my own, or the memories that someone has once told me...and I am merely reiterating them...
With that in mind I remember once either having a conversation with someone, or speaking with someone that had a conversation with someone regarding children. The topic was a simple, yet difficult to answer question; "Why do you want to have children?" The answers were varied, but for the most part they were a kin to: "I don't know, I just do." "Because I love my partner and want to share our love in our offspring." "Because it must be an amazing gift to give life." etc...etc...
The person doing the questioning then responded that all of the answers were pure bullshit as the only reason we, as rational human beings, desire to breed is our ego. We are egotistical and want to see mini versions of ourselves, pass our family name on, have a hand in molding the art of our offspring...
Well Mr. "I don't even know if you exist" having a child must be the most single selfless act of this lifetime.
They all warned me this was the case, yet I refused to listen. Having a child leaves you without autonomy. I am not, and will never again be "only myself." I do not have "my own life" and I can not do "whatever I want" I pee when HE is sleeping, I eat when HE is sleeping, I clean and cook and shower when HE is sleeping...
This is a relationship of dependence...him depending upon me for life, and the nurturing of that life...and me depending on his naps.

Melt down to Milestone

Did you know there is an actual hormonal reaction that each mother experiences when she hears her child cry? This hormone causes an uncomfortable sensation in the mother, causing a chemical reaction followed by yet another hormonal reaction that sends the message to let her milk down. All of this happens in a matter of light seconds, however, if the child screams and cries for what appears to be no apparent reason during the course of 2 whole days and nights, the mother is in a continuous state of being "uncomfortable" or so that is the word the books use. "Uncomfortable," might be better expressed as "Agonizing."
This was our first melt down, and god help me, may it be our last!
Tuesday morning Juani work up fussy. It was a morning almost like any other morning, minus the fussiness. We woke up, listened to our mobile so mom could get dressed, drank mate, and went back to sleep.
The morning was not the problem, it was by the time we had made it to the afternoon, and I was suppose to begin my working, that he had successfully gone down for some 10 odd naps, only to wake up 15-30 minutes later. By nightfall, he was disastrously tired and made for an awful night. After finally getting him to go to sleep, (on my chest) I prayed for a better day to come.
On Wednesday morning, we picked up right where we had left off and by noon I was in tears and wondering why on earth I ever wanted to be a mother. I could suddenly understand how a mother might harm her own child, should she lack self control, as it is such a feeling of desperation that takes over, I have never felt so helpless in all my life.
Is is possible for an earth angel to suddenly become possessed by the devil overnight?
Needless today I did not get much work done this day either...
Then Thursday morning brought new light. Juani woke up all smiles and giggles, he didn't cry even once throughout the day, he slept an average of an hour and a half each nap and I was able to make up my lost hours of work. That night, Juani slept for 4 hours straight! 4 whole hours!!
Oh and mom, the rocking chair has been a miracle! A god damned miracle! We merely have to touch our butt to the wooden seat and in a matter of seconds we are in dreamland. Thank you soooooo much!
P.S.
In case you thought that ugly days make for ugly kids, you are wrong my friend...here are the latest of the cutest boy I know.

Swaddling, You are my friend!

Ok so there is this book called "The Happiest Baby on the Block" (Thanks Janette) and it has been wonderfully helpful! Now, Juani is not colicky, what he is, is whiny. Contrary to all what all the books say, my child, at a mere 2 months, is manipulative! (May Susan stand as my witness)

HE JUST WANTS TO BE HELD!

So...sleeping has become a problem, not so much at night, but during the day, as he only goes down for about 30 minutes before his large hands startle him awake again. According to the happy baby book, swaddling, though thought to be outdated, helps your little ones sleep longer...AND IT IS SOOOOO TRUE!! Juan just woke up from an hour and half nap!!! AN HOUR AND A HALF!!! I was able to make him three pairs of pants and a new winter PJ get up! (cold weather is officially moving in) The greatest thing is, he woke up, ate, and went right back down!
I figure that a miracle of that statue is well deserving of confirmation. Though it seems like some sort of antiquated torture technique, swaddling is my new best friend.
By the way, here are a few of our latest pictures...

Tell me, if you dare, that he is not the cutest darn thing you ever did see!!!

The things they never tell you...

When I read other mother's blogs, they are always like, "oh life is so beautiful, motherhood is so fantastic, there is nothing better in my life...blah blah blah." And I must admit, this is true, but it is also a simultaneous lie! It is not beautiful! It is smelly and tiresome! We just have to keep telling ourselves how beautiful it is so that we don't jump off a cliff!

So when I was talking to my friend Sarina, I was telling her all the "truths" about daily life as a mom, and she said, "you are making me crack up, you should write that on your blog." So this is for you Sarina, and hopefully it will make all the rest of you laugh out loud as well.

Ugly truth #1
After 2 days of not bathing, using body spray to cover up the stench of putrid milk and vomit, I finally said to Claudio, "If he wakes up, let him cry, I need to shower." I let the hot water wash away the accumulated grime until the hot water heater was empty. (my apologies to the ecologists around the world) I shaved my legs for the first time in weeks and spent the rest of the hour indulging myself in all of my favorite creams and cleansers... finally, crawling into bed next to my very patient husband, Claudio rolled over and said to me, "Oh man, I had forgotten that you smell good." I shit you not.

Ugly truth #2
It is impossible to dress cute when you are breastfeeding. Not only because you need to have something that is easily accessible for feeding, but also because the second you are washed and clean and smelling of lavender perfume, it is inevitable that your child will vomit all down the front of you cute black dress, leaving a gross white residue for the remainder of the day. And really, there is no use changing because he is just going to do it again in an hour.
I was walking down the street the other day after meeting some lady friends for a coffee when I felt something weird on my shoulder...after scratching a bit I realized it wad dried spit up that had likely been there since morning. REAL EFFING CUTE!

Ugly truth #3
Going to the bathroom...This is something I had never really thought about how to go about doing, and I can guarantee the books sure as hell never touched on the subject.
What do you do when you have a baby that cries every time you lay him down...and you can feel a number two coming on? You either let him scream until he ends up choking on his own tears while you try to sit quietly, concentrating on getting it over with as quickly as possible, or...you do what I do...I strap on the baby carrier, and poop while he hangs off me like a spider monkey. That is the only half-way relaxing method I have come up with so far. This is where some of you can chime in with "I told you so." hehe

Ugly truth#4
Lets go back to breastfeeding. This is a really magical moment....It is when you feel a real connection with your child. As he fondles something that was once an object of sexual pleasure both for you and your husband, he looks up at you and smiles...it just brings tears to your eyes. What also brings tears to your eyes is when your breasts become engorged from over-milk production and causes what is called mastitis. No one warns you that it is essential to give yourself breast massages, especially during the first month, to make sure all of the milk is making it through the ducts...and no one warns you that if you do not do this it will feel a kin to squeezing glass out of your nipples. Oh I can promise you, it was just magical!

Ugly truth #5
Changing diapers. Now why is it no one ever mentioned the importance of changing the diaper as fast as humanly possible in order to avoid them peeing (and in Juani's case, explosively shitting) all over you, themselves, and in some cases, the living room floor? We took the pre-natal classes and changing a diaper is pretty self explanatory, but don't you think it would have been beneficial to know these things up front?

Ugly truths, there are many, and really the deep down truth is this, another reason most mothers only write or talk about the beauties of motherhood is because all of these ugly truths, while they are completely true and well worthy of complaints, they are far outweighed by the positive realities of what you and your child represent for each other.
My realization of just how profound my love is for Juani convinces me that I would go as far as eating his vomit, if that is what being a mother demanded of me.
This has to be the reason fellow mothers forget to share with us new mothers the nitty gritty details...that or we are all under some extreme hormonal la la land spell.

Filled to the top.

There was a time in my life, when I truly believed, and had come to accept, that I would be alone. I distinctly remember saying these exact words to my mother, "I am so full of love, and yet I have no one to give it to."
Some people race through life in the search for success, money, or recognition...I was searching for a kind of happiness that I didn't even believe existed, yet hoped, for fairytale sake, that it was out there somewhere.
Only now have I come to realize the tunnel vision I had back then, so dead intent on finding a life partner that I failed to see all of the love that was being reciprocated to me by friends and family. It is now that I sit in silence and realize I have achieved life's biggest most elaborate goal. Happiness. Not only did I find my life partner, that life partner is my soul mate of many lives and has given me the beginning of a beautiful family, but also through growth, both personal and interpersonal, I am able to see the abundant reciprocity of love coming from all of you.
I no longer feel alone in a crowded room. I no longer long for anyone, or anything. I no longer hope to find my fairy tale, for I have found it. It all exists. All of it.
I am brimming with happiness...Just brimming.

Our First Family Vacation

Nightmares don't only occur when you are sleeping, let me tell you! We had a waking walking nightmare of a day to kick off our first family vacation.
As we now are no longer 2 people, but three, we needed to augment the size of our car. We did so by letting this need be known to Claudio's boss, who, three weeks later let us know that there was a truck with back seats waiting for us in a nearby province, Corodoba, just 7 hours from Rosario. Our response to this was "Whoohooo!" we quickly purchased one way bus tickets, and taking advantage of the long Easter weekend, threw a few things in a duffel bag and headed out.
It was to be our first family vacation...stroller, car seat, 10 extra sets of clothes just in case we have repeated diaper explosions...
Come Thursday, we raced to the bus station, hopped on the double-decker, and smiled with anticipation.
Suddenly, approximately 2 hours outside of Rosario, (where we live) the bus began to fill up with smoke and the smell of burnt rubber. Claudio and I were the first to exit the bus with Juani, taking no chances...
An hour went by, us and 100 other passengers standing on the side of the route in front of our non functioning bus. When we over heard the driver begin to say there was no responsive plan of action, that he had no idea when another bus would be there to pick us up, as the company was over extended, we began to worry. As it was, we were suppose to get into Cordoba capital city at 7:30pm where one of Claudio's coworkers would be there waiting to take us another hour and a half to our final destination. So Claudio made the call...first to tell him we would be exaggeratedly late, and second to suggest that perhaps he come to get us even though he was 3 hours away. As it turns out, Claudio has a client in the neighboring town to where we broke down, and he offered to come get us and meet Claudio's coworker in the middle.
This seemed, at the time like a life saving idea.
However...
When Cacho, that is his nickname, picked us up, he suggested we stop by his shop for a bit, to check out the merchandise, drink some mates, change Juani, etc...so that is what we did. An hour later we were back on the road...and roughly an hour into our trip we met up with Ignacio, who was waiting one the side of the road to pick us up...Only then did Claudio realize he had left his wallet and all of the necessary documents to receive our new truck in the showroom of his client...an hour in the direction we had just come from. I wanted to scream!
Again meeting in the middle, Cacho contracted someone to bring the wallet half way to where we were, which meant we then had to backtrack.
To make a nightmarish 7 hour trip into a short story, we finally arrived at our hotel at 11pm. 11 hours after we had left Rosario. (P.S. This trip should only take 5 by car)
Of course, the first thing we wanted to do was go out to see the car we had come so far to fetch. Big mistake.
When we saw it, the first thing we thought was, "why the hell did we come all this way for this pile of junk!?" You see, from the outside it is nothing fancy, and from the inside it needs some TLC...to say the least...but the problem was not the truck, it was the expectations we had conjured up. We had the idea that a new car was awaiting us...wrong.
So, we decided to grumpily tuck ourselves in and try to get some rest, hoping for a better day to come. Well the day was better, though, overnight the temperature dropped to winter "I can see your breath" like temperatures, accompanied by "rain rain go away some again some other day."
We took advantage of the windows when the rain would let up for a brief moment, long enough to make it down the street to a nearby restaurant...etc..
We spent most the day being self critical about our "looking a gift horse in the mouth" attitude and decided that that truck could use some love, but that we had enough of that to go around, and that in the end it would be of good use for us...turned in early and headed home after coffee and stale croissants this morning.
So...our first family vacation...well we sure won't forget it, and while it was pretty uneventful, we can now look back and laugh at the energy that seemed to want to keep us from getting to La Falda, a small historically German settled village in the skirt hills of the Argentine sierras.

The good news is that Juani behaved like a saint! He didn't cry, or protest, or have a meltdown of any sort! He made the whole trip lovely, just like him.