I have been lost in thought lately, pondering all sorts of crazy existential issues about life, parenting, happiness, society, etc. For those of you that know me the best, you will not think this is out of the ordinary at all, in fact I probably appear to live in that la la land of thought...but that is beside the point.
One of the things I have become fascinated with is the way we see the world. It is a choice... For we all chose to see it from different angles, shades, tones, and attitudes. What then goes hand in hand is how we see ourselves, and how we then see ourselves in the world around us, how we fit into that world and how weare seen by that surrounding world.
Here is how I have been seeing the world as of late...
And here is how that world sees me...perhaps a different perspective but the same shade of happiness.
Our family, here in Argentina, consists of 5 nieces and nephews, all of which are well into their adolescence, or late adolescence in some cases, all of them except for Clara. Clara is 8 years old. And for those of you who might ask, "Did Claudio's Italian blooded mother accept you right away?" The answer would be "Yes, absolutely." It was Clara that held the looming rings of fire I seemed to have to jump through, not only in the beginning, but up until about 4 months ago.
When I first met Clara she was 4 years old, a child without a father who had never heard the word "No." She loved her "Tio" more than anyone else, and insisted on calling me "Juana" for nearly two years. She refused to hug me or kiss me hello or goodbye and continually showed me who was boss whenever she had the chance. Yet all of this has changed in just 4 short months, coinciding with the announcement that she would no longer be the baby of the family.
This surprised me greatly, as I had prepared myself for yet another firing round of jealousy, first having stolen her super uncle, now her title...however it has been quite the contrary.
Clara immediately conjured up a gender neutral name "BianJu," a mixed version of Bianca, and Juan, so as not to assume the sex of the baby...She began wanting to sit in my lap, give me kisses, hold my hand...she even began calling me "Tia" something that, up until then, had be a rare mistake on her part. She wanted to touch my belly and was always concerned about whether Bianju would be upset by the noise, or the food... The truth is, it has been a true 180` turn around.
Which is why this weekend was so incredibly enjoyable.
After discussing with Claudio, we decided to invite Clara to spend the entire weekend with us. On Friday after work Claudio drove to pick her up, overnight bag in tow, while I eagerly made her favorite dinner, steak and potatoes. (for those of you who have been to Argentina, this shouldn't surprise you.) By the time she had showered, (using her own big girl shampoo to prevent lice) she asked me to brush and braid her hair, we played a quick game of "chancho va," a card game that would be translated to "there goes the pig," it was time for bed. We tucked her into her couch bed, kissed her goodnight, and wished her sweet dreams.
The next day we awoke to her coughing, surely meant not to wake us, and as she crept quietly towards the bathroom, we sneaked quickly into her bed. Crawling under the covers and turning out the lights, we had hoped to scare her, though she is much to quick for us. Instead, she quietly made her way back to her bed and flung herself in the middle of where we lay, covering us in good morning hugs.
It was at that moment I thought to myself, "This must be what it feels like to be a parent, to have eternal unconditional abundant love from your child...it must be the most amazing feeling in the world."
After breakfast we dressed and left for Clara's first adventure. We drove across the bridge to the neighboring province, just to have lunch and spend the day in the quite space of Victoria's green grasses.
In case you are curious, this is what happiness looks like:
Everyone whom has experienced motherhood always talks about the most amazing part of pregnancy being the moment your baby first kicks. The emotion builds with each day, growing anxious for the baby's first signs of communication with the outside world...and you wait, and you wait and you wait anticipating the moment until one day, you fly out of bed at 5am to hear your cat screaming as though someone or something is torturing her to her death. Saturday morning, my tomcat, who is really a tinacat, was loudly, and I mean earsplittingly, defending her territory from a male cat trespasser. This required her to scream and growl, yes growl, a consequence of having been raised by dogs, successfully pulling off her bad ass cat attitude, but secretely sending the crystal clear message of, "get me the Eff out of here!" I, woken from a dream that I will explain to you in just a minute, flew from my bed to open the door so that she might escape her trespasser, kindly gave her food as a reward for her bravery, and so she would let me go back to sleep, relieved my bladder, and tucked myself back into bed beside my cuddly lover, when suddenly I felt what can only be described as heavy gas bubbles. I laid there quietly assessing whether it was truly indomitable gas gurgles, or if my heart was still racing from having awoken with a start, and to my surprise it was neither. My baby was kicking! Kicking for the first time...or perhaps punching, one can never be too sure. I laid there thinking I should wake Claudio so he too could be part of this very special moment, yet knowing that if I did, the baby would surely cease to communicate, (murphy's law) and then neither of us would be able to enjoy the full experience, so I laid there silently, presently, and ecstatically feeling my baby communicate for the first time!
Now, back to my dreams.
Everyone asks, "So do you know if it is a boy or a girl yet?" and we respond, "We want it to be a surprise so we are not going to find out." Yet, I secretly feel it is a little boy, and here is why:
I have had several dreams now, all of which are incredibly vivid and beautiful and all of which I am with my baby and Claudio in the coming years. The most memorable one went like this. I was peering through a hole in the wall, a hole into the future while Claudio waited impatiently at my side, asking over and over again, "Do you see anything?"as if he were a child on a road trip asking, "are we there yet?" I pressed my face to the hole and saw myself and our son 5 years from now sitting a park, lush with vegetation. We sat chatting and laughing on a white park bench, though I could not hear our words. I began relating to Claudio what I was seeing, telling him, "I see myself with our son 5 years from now! We are in a park somewhere, smiling and laughing. Oh Claudio, he is beautiful, he has your curly hair and your big dark eyes. This when I turn my face from the whole and look at Claudio. Filled with emotion I threw my arms around him and said, "He looks just like you!"
That is when I woke up.
So from that point on, I am 70% convinced the baby is male in gender. However, each and every morning, Claudio awakes to kiss my belly then my mouth, to wish us a good morning, and each day he says, " I am more than sure it is a little girl."
En fin, it is 50-50, and we will be thrilled with whatever awaits us...but in the meantime, it is fun to hypothesize about one's intuition.
These last two weeks have flown by!!! Whew! It seems that after a loooooong dry spell, we have finally entered our high season for foreign travelers here in Rosario which means lots of work for me! We have had 4 students in the last two weeks: two from London, one from the US, and one from Germany...all of which are traveling South America on little to no Spanish. It has been fun, but I am glad it is Friday and I can hibernate in my home, where it is warm and quite and no one will know if I tuck myself in as soon as I am done writing this blog entry (shhh it is only 9pm here!)
So, I am officially 18 weeks along and finally starting to show. I mean, if you ask me, I was starting to show from the 2nd month, though it looked more like a food baby, it was more in my head than anything. No, howver, it is not only me who notices, but the entire world! Last week, for the first time, someone gave me their seat on the completely full, standing room only, bus ride towards downtown. This means that it is now obviously visable that I am with child. Each time this good natured act of civil kindness occurs I secretly smile to myself, tickled by the excitement of entering this new stage of life; motherhood.
Back tracking two weeks, here I am doing what I do best these days:
EAT!
I have rediscovered this cafe named Ross. It resides in the upstairs of an antique turn of the century home, declared as historical patrimony and seems to be forgotten as a hot-spot for lunch, meaning: it is a beautiful place to sit in silence, eat a homemade lunch, and read my book of the week while I quietly allow the sunshine to kiss me from the large arched windows looking over the busy streets of downtown.
(as you can see, it is not only my belly that has grown in size and stature...)
The book I was reading does not really deserve to be mentioned as it did not even make it onto my top 2o list. It was entertaining enough and I sped through it though the storyline was lacked in quality and development...soooo on to better things.
Other highlights of this week include, but are not limited to:
The 3rd Annual Kite Festival!!!!
There were said to be over 300 kites in the air at any one time. Kids running and jumping to catch the wind, adults running to catch their children and their children within...it was an absolute delight!
Here are my two favorite views of the day:
And now...drum roll please... What you have all been, patiently, yet anxiously awaiting...
BELLY SHOTS! I never thought I would be so thrilled to get round!
Hangin a round Fartin a round Jokin a round
(I am totally pushing it out here)
and last but not least...
Playin a round
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I spent the largest part of yesterday missing the people I hold most dear. I missed them so much it hurt to think about the love I have for them, exorbitant, unmeasurable. My grandfather, Sherman, was among those I missed the most. Uncountable are the amount of times I thought of him throughout my day.
At 7pm, Claudio, the baby and I, had our second doctor's appointment, where we analyzed the results of my blood work and my doctor translated the gibberish that was the description of my ultrasound.
Based on the size and appearance of the baby at the time of the ultrasound, he/she is actually a bit younger than we originally thought. He/she is right where he/she needs to be according to weight and size and down syndrome has been completely eliminated as a risk. The heart rate is perfect and sounds as though our baby will be a horse lover just like it's mother, heart beating in rhythm to what sounds like a stampede of wild mustangs. The blood work, however, was borderline. It seems I am stable at the moment, but am erring on the side of anemic, which means more food, more greens, more nuts, and, well, unfortunately, more beef.
That is when the doctor tells us, that the projected date of arrival is not actually February 16th, but February 22nd, my grandpa Sherman's birthday. If you have been keeping up with the blog, you will have read that more than 2 weeks ago I sensed that the baby would be a Pisces rather than an Aquarius. And though these things rarely happen on time, my intuition seems to feel justified in knowing it was right, at least to a certain extent.
So, Mother, if you are reading this, I suggest you think about coming to celebrate my birthday, and the baby will surely arrive a day or four later.
Another interesting fun fact: (some of you know this already, some of you don't) 9 seems to be a reoccurring theme in our life. I met, for example, Claudio on January 9th, 2006 I was born on February 18,1981 (18/02/81 as they write the date in Argentina, day first month second) 1+8 is 9 and 8+1 is 9. Claudio was born on December 27th 1972 or 27/12/72 2+7 is 9 and 7+2 is 9 Also strange, is the inverse of our dates and years 18th of 81 and 27th of 72 Our address is 1260, if you add the numbers they will give you 9 I could go on...because like I said, 9 is a reoccurring theme. So here is the our newest discovery: If the baby arrives on the projected date, February 22, 2010 (22/02/2010) if you add all of the numbers in the date, 2+2+2+2+1 is 9
Claudio discovered this one day when he was playing with numbers. We have decided that he enjoys numbers in the way I enjoy art. He could sit doing long equations all day and feel gratified by his masterpiece of finagling the outcome in the same way I could sit and sew or draw or paint...
So getting back to the point of today, surely the newest addition will be a Pisces...
The water bearer gives life to a little fish... How incredibly appropriate.
I get bigger by the day! Really, I swear! It's like my belly popped out from one day to the next and now it is a growing machine!!!! Especially after eating, it is like a double baby, a food baby on top of my baby baby! Yesterday we hit the 16 week mark, for those of you who are terrible at math like I am, that means we are closing in on our 4th month. While my tummy keeps extending itself, I have only gained 2 pounds, so far so good! At 16 weeks, the baby is developing fine hair on it's head and is actively moving and making sucking motions with it's mouth. The bones are becoming harder each day and the muscles are now developing. Hence the reason for my newest addiction: Creamy.
Everything I eat needs to be creamy! I NEED cream cheese, sour cream, yogurt, milk, Alfredo sauce, Caesar salad dressing, mayo, which I classically hated, and an array of other things that seem to fall into the "creamy" category. This, I suppose, is because the baby's bones are calcifying. My body is asking me for an abundant supply of food products that contain calcium. Isn't the body amazing, if you just learn to listen to it???
With the coming of spring, and then summer, and the synchronized growing of my belly, I have dedicated many of the past few days to sewing dresses for myself.
This one is probably my favorite! At least until I make the next one.
This is another one I made, but when Andi dropped by the other day and tried it on, it looked so darn cute on her, we just had to make it hers! Hope you love it Andi!
Now I am working on my biggest challenge yet, I can hardly wait to post photos. I have never made a fancy dress, you know one out of taffeta or silk...and because I have a wedding to attend in October, I thought I would try to make my own dress so as not to have to buy a prego formal dress that I will wear once. And to tell you the truth, so far so good...
So good, in fact, that Valeria, another friend of mine who will also be attending the wedding in October, has commissioned me to make her dress as well!!! So maybe this means I have more of my Great Grandma Underwood in me than I thought! (she was a seamstress and an artist that read tarot cards and fell asleep while sitting in her lazy boy recliner almost nightly, vodka tonic in hand, cheese whiz at her side, a true inspiration!)
