The things they never tell you...

When I read other mother's blogs, they are always like, "oh life is so beautiful, motherhood is so fantastic, there is nothing better in my life...blah blah blah." And I must admit, this is true, but it is also a simultaneous lie! It is not beautiful! It is smelly and tiresome! We just have to keep telling ourselves how beautiful it is so that we don't jump off a cliff!

So when I was talking to my friend Sarina, I was telling her all the "truths" about daily life as a mom, and she said, "you are making me crack up, you should write that on your blog." So this is for you Sarina, and hopefully it will make all the rest of you laugh out loud as well.

Ugly truth #1
After 2 days of not bathing, using body spray to cover up the stench of putrid milk and vomit, I finally said to Claudio, "If he wakes up, let him cry, I need to shower." I let the hot water wash away the accumulated grime until the hot water heater was empty. (my apologies to the ecologists around the world) I shaved my legs for the first time in weeks and spent the rest of the hour indulging myself in all of my favorite creams and cleansers... finally, crawling into bed next to my very patient husband, Claudio rolled over and said to me, "Oh man, I had forgotten that you smell good." I shit you not.

Ugly truth #2
It is impossible to dress cute when you are breastfeeding. Not only because you need to have something that is easily accessible for feeding, but also because the second you are washed and clean and smelling of lavender perfume, it is inevitable that your child will vomit all down the front of you cute black dress, leaving a gross white residue for the remainder of the day. And really, there is no use changing because he is just going to do it again in an hour.
I was walking down the street the other day after meeting some lady friends for a coffee when I felt something weird on my shoulder...after scratching a bit I realized it wad dried spit up that had likely been there since morning. REAL EFFING CUTE!

Ugly truth #3
Going to the bathroom...This is something I had never really thought about how to go about doing, and I can guarantee the books sure as hell never touched on the subject.
What do you do when you have a baby that cries every time you lay him down...and you can feel a number two coming on? You either let him scream until he ends up choking on his own tears while you try to sit quietly, concentrating on getting it over with as quickly as possible, or...you do what I do...I strap on the baby carrier, and poop while he hangs off me like a spider monkey. That is the only half-way relaxing method I have come up with so far. This is where some of you can chime in with "I told you so." hehe

Ugly truth#4
Lets go back to breastfeeding. This is a really magical moment....It is when you feel a real connection with your child. As he fondles something that was once an object of sexual pleasure both for you and your husband, he looks up at you and smiles...it just brings tears to your eyes. What also brings tears to your eyes is when your breasts become engorged from over-milk production and causes what is called mastitis. No one warns you that it is essential to give yourself breast massages, especially during the first month, to make sure all of the milk is making it through the ducts...and no one warns you that if you do not do this it will feel a kin to squeezing glass out of your nipples. Oh I can promise you, it was just magical!

Ugly truth #5
Changing diapers. Now why is it no one ever mentioned the importance of changing the diaper as fast as humanly possible in order to avoid them peeing (and in Juani's case, explosively shitting) all over you, themselves, and in some cases, the living room floor? We took the pre-natal classes and changing a diaper is pretty self explanatory, but don't you think it would have been beneficial to know these things up front?

Ugly truths, there are many, and really the deep down truth is this, another reason most mothers only write or talk about the beauties of motherhood is because all of these ugly truths, while they are completely true and well worthy of complaints, they are far outweighed by the positive realities of what you and your child represent for each other.
My realization of just how profound my love is for Juani convinces me that I would go as far as eating his vomit, if that is what being a mother demanded of me.
This has to be the reason fellow mothers forget to share with us new mothers the nitty gritty details...that or we are all under some extreme hormonal la la land spell.